May 12, 2007

The First Brush With Death

I was tidying my room and about to slip on my jacket when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. Crawling around on the sleeve was a black spider with a distinct red blotch on its back. Having been thoroughly educated as to the hazards of the Red Back, South Australia’s most deadly spider, I knew that keeping calm was key to my survival. So naturally I screamed and threw the jacket on my bed. Understanding that nothing spells safely like a good plank of wood, I quickly left the bedroom and shut the door. I knew that if I stared at the closed door long enough, a solution would come to me. Then I remembered the internet in the next room and looked at that instead. Sure enough, the spider on my jacket was a Red Back, and if I’d been bit it would have meant the hospital. Then the following thought occurred to me: I’d thrown the spider on my bed. Cautiously I re-entered my room, certain that the spider hadn’t liked being tossed around and was now plotting revenge. I nervously glanced around the room half expecting to see a giant web spanning the ceiling. Hmm, I thought. If the spider’s in my jacket, then my jacket’s not safe. But if the spider’s in my bed, then my bed’s not safe. But how to know? Suddenly I remembered a little something called the process of elimination! I cleverly and gingerly lifted my jacket from the bed and took it to the back lanai. Holding the jacket pinched between my forefingers and thumbs, I shook it within an inch of its life. Out fell an aggravated Red Back Spider. I smashed the spider with my shoe, taking great care to ensure that it’s red back was facing up. I would have to show the corpse to Carol and Louise, of course. Just in case there were a couple more creatures in there, I hung my jacket on the clothesline for a complete airing, and went back to the lanai to admire my kill. I was denied. Search as I might, I couldn’t find the corpse. I searched the entire lanai, and checked the dogs for any “I’ve been poisoned” behavior. But the mystery remained unsolved. My dead spider was gone.