And I Can Cook, Too

Friday, May 18, 2007

May 12, 2007

The First Brush With Death

I was tidying my room and about to slip on my jacket when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. Crawling around on the sleeve was a black spider with a distinct red blotch on its back. Having been thoroughly educated as to the hazards of the Red Back, South Australia’s most deadly spider, I knew that keeping calm was key to my survival. So naturally I screamed and threw the jacket on my bed. Understanding that nothing spells safely like a good plank of wood, I quickly left the bedroom and shut the door. I knew that if I stared at the closed door long enough, a solution would come to me. Then I remembered the internet in the next room and looked at that instead. Sure enough, the spider on my jacket was a Red Back, and if I’d been bit it would have meant the hospital. Then the following thought occurred to me: I’d thrown the spider on my bed. Cautiously I re-entered my room, certain that the spider hadn’t liked being tossed around and was now plotting revenge. I nervously glanced around the room half expecting to see a giant web spanning the ceiling. Hmm, I thought. If the spider’s in my jacket, then my jacket’s not safe. But if the spider’s in my bed, then my bed’s not safe. But how to know? Suddenly I remembered a little something called the process of elimination! I cleverly and gingerly lifted my jacket from the bed and took it to the back lanai. Holding the jacket pinched between my forefingers and thumbs, I shook it within an inch of its life. Out fell an aggravated Red Back Spider. I smashed the spider with my shoe, taking great care to ensure that it’s red back was facing up. I would have to show the corpse to Carol and Louise, of course. Just in case there were a couple more creatures in there, I hung my jacket on the clothesline for a complete airing, and went back to the lanai to admire my kill. I was denied. Search as I might, I couldn’t find the corpse. I searched the entire lanai, and checked the dogs for any “I’ve been poisoned” behavior. But the mystery remained unsolved. My dead spider was gone.


  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger Lora said…

    Ack! Ack! Ack! Did you get my card yet via snail mail????

  • At 2:50 AM, Blogger Beega said…

    You do know that this story would be more believable if you had ended up in the hospital. Try to find another spider so you can do it again.

  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger Kristin Van Bodegraven said…

    It's wacky, but I'm trying to have a hospital free year. Especially since in Australia, you don't end up in "the hospital." You end up in "hospital." The whole grammar things got me wigged out.


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