And I Can Cook, Too

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

March 3, 2006

Harmony with Ham and Hotel
Once again, clever Jen has come through in a pinch. Turns out she knows a guy who knows a guy who’s got, not one, but six pig guys!

Standing in the rain at the Maunakea Marketplace, I was carefully scrutinized by Norma, of Norma’s Oahu Meats and Fowl. Finally, she spoke. “Jus’ you?” she asked. My confirmation sent her into a rant in Chinese, Japanese, Portuguese, and Korean. At least that’s what it sounded like to me.

Several mournful looks, the pitiful cry of “no-one told me”, and a check for $250 convinced her to ask her old Uncle Benny if he would help me carry the pig. Not a day under 80, Uncle looked more like he would need my help than the other way around. Into the freezer we went, and after a few moments of hunting, out we came with 100 lbs of un-boxed, unwrapped, very dead pig. Split down the middle with the head still attached, rigor had long since passed and as a result the pig was, well, very bendy.

The rain increased as Uncle and I lugged the uncooperative pig to my car. Not the usual soft, gentle, warm Hawaiian rain that is easily ignored. This was the hard, violent, cold Hawaiian rain that meant flooding and general bad news all around. At my car, Uncle expressed (in the same combination of languages as his niece) surprise that I would come to pick up a pig without a container to put it in. I expressed (in a combination of English, body language, babble, and ridiculous giggles), that I was equally surprised to pick up a pig that had no form of packaging. Fortunately, I had a couple of garbage bags to spread over the back of my car. Unfortunately, I did not have enough to actually cover the pig.

The rain now torrential, I made my way over the Koolau Mountains home. With traffic moving at 15 miles per hour and the radio announcing increasing road closures, I was ever conscious that in the event of a fender bender, I had a great big dead pig in the back of my car to explain.

One and ½ hours later I arrived home. Pulling into the parking lot, I spied Tammy and Kenny watching 2-year-old Gunner splash in the puddles. “Come check out my big dead pig!” I shouted. As Tammy and Kenny admired my prize, Gunner pointed, smiled, and voiced what we all were thinking, “Mmmmm.” That is one wise 2 year old.

Noticing the pigs flexibility, Kenny wondered how I planned to get the it into it’s home for the night: Kim’s bathtub. I had planned on the “everyone grab a leg and lug” method, but a quick inspection of the pig proved that the legs were far too slippery for that plan to work. Sensing a chance to prove manhood (and admitting that he had not yet showered), Kenny hoisted the pig around his shoulders, carried it up the stairs, and dumped it in the tub. We, the womenfolk, were duly impressed. After injecting the pig with brine and covering it with 80 pounds of ice, the pig was done for the night.
Meanwhile, back in the parking lot, Sarah was unloading home furnishings from Kim’s open Jeep into my pig-free car. Seems we had a cheap hotel room emergency.

Kim’s mom, her finance, and several of their friends were flying in that night for a week of celebration culminating in Kim’s moms wedding. Kim had checked the friends into a hotel not too far from home. When she went to pick up keys and leave welcome baskets, she discovered that the room better resemble a crime scene that a Hawaiian paradise. The solution? Race to Ross Dress For Less, buy a bunch of cheap home furnishings, and re-decorate the room.

We walked into a room so dismal, we wouldn’t have let the pig sleep there. Stained linens and blankets covered the beds, the floor featured ripped carpet and dirt, and the walls were decorated with nails, but not pictures. Quickly, we got to work.

Sarah re-made beds and covered couches with new linens,
I positioned vases filled with flowers and sweetly scented candles, and Kim hung newly purchased pictures on the walls. An hour later, the room had transitioned from “CSI” to Danno’s suite in “5-O”.

As Kim and Sarah poured wine, I sighed with contentment. Another day, another job well done.


  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger Kim Binsted said…

    For the record: The hotel with the horrifying room was Schrader's Windward Country Inn in Kaneohe. The location is gorgeous, but the rooms are... well, I'm sure Kristin will post some photos.

    Oh, and all the Ross Dress For Less stuff is going back to the store tomorrow. Hah. I feel like I have triumphed on some dodgy decor-oriented reality show.

  • At 9:50 PM, Blogger Kim Binsted said…

    Forgot to mention that Kristin has called down the wrath of Pele upon herself. Met any white dogs lately??


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