And I Can Cook, Too

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

April 7, 2006

Of COURSE I didn’t celebrate my husbands birthday with a quiet dinner at home and a few glasses of wine! It was a ruse!

His expectation for birthday acknowledgement met, I was free to spend my day planning the real party: a whopping celebrity roast that was sure to blow the roof off the clubhouse.

For reasons on which none of us are clear but we indulge anyway, my husband is fond of foods that begin with the letter “P”. I prepped Pot Roast with Onion Gravy, Pea Salad, roasted Potatoes and Pecan Pie and was off to decorate. While Kim mucked about with her computer to set up the web cam for the night’s mystery guest, I placed tablecloths, top hats, and martini and wine glasses on the tables. After Kim hung her projector screen for viewing our web guest and we created a nice big stage area, we were ready for the birthday boy.

My husband arrived home looking forward to the weekend and “Jens Japanese meal.” As we walked out the door, I casually mentioned that Big Red had asked me to stop in the clubhouse and pick up something he’d left in the fridge there. My husband never saw the surprise coming.

He giggled himself silly as the gang sang “Happy Birthday” and greeted him with hugs and laughter. I would have loved to let the party proceed naturally from there, but we had some roasting to do!

Hawaii’s improv comedy troupe Loose Screws took the stage to the ball rolling. An invocation was needed to warm us up. We were asked to name something that my husband always wants. “Scotch!” came the answer from somewhere in the room (I think it was Lora). The invocation began:

Walter Walter Walter Walter Wants Wants Wants Wants Scotch Scotch Scotch Scotch Walter Wants Walter Wants Scotch Scotch Scotch Scotch Walter Wants Scotch Scotch Walter Wants Scotch Scotch Walter Wants Scotch!

…until there wasn’t a person in the room who wasn’t drooling for a single malt. The Screws screwed on with Party Quirks, in which one of them had to guess that Sandra Bullock, Fart Man, and the Boy Who Would Not Eat Leftovers were guests at his birthday party. They concluded with First Date, where they tried (rather successfully I might add) to tie abandoning a movie, eating fondue, and getting mistaken for the dog into a nice romantic evening.

Feeling well screwed and ready to roast, I introduced Kim as our first roaster of the evening. In typical Kim style, she’d put off writing her roast until the last minute, and instead had to substitute a lecture she’d used for her computer science course. Originally entitled: A situational interpretation of lyrical aesthetics under a pan-pacific cultural imperative, Kim had re-named the lecture: Some poems about Walter. She started with Haiku - noted for the 5-7-5 syllabic structure, the underlying Zen philosophy and the obligatory seasonal reference.

“Cherry blossoms bloom
Johnson Van Bodegraven
Tax return - 04.”

(which we have not yet filed)

In her closing, Kim referenced a well-known nursery rhyme:

“The Itsy Bitsy Walter Moved Off To D.C.
Out Came the Boss who said “Dude, You’re Stuck With Me.”
Back came poor Walter and made the Boss more sane
And the Itsy Bitsy Walter packed for D.C. again.”

Big Red followed Kim with a speech about the many admirable traits about Walter. He noted Walters’s devotion to acting and his refusal to sell out on his true calling (Walter is in upper management for a high-tech firm).

He commented that when Walter does act, he devotes his talents to philanthropy and the betterment of mankind (Walter has worked for McDonalds, Campbell’s Soup, and Baywatch).

He talked about Walters’s devotion to physical fitness and he many athletic accomplishments. (Walter has starting training for 4 marathons and never run a single one of them. He recently spent $1000.00 on fancy fencing equipment and promptly quit going to lessons. He has cancelled 4 out of 5 training sessions scheduled at the gym in the last year.)

Lastly, Big Red touched on Walter’s reliability, and that no matter what happened in life he could count on Walter always being right next door. (‘nuff said.)

Finally, it was time for our special mystery guest. Walter’s brother Kevin, life via web-cam, joined the party to share some of the many lessons he’d learned from his brother. Life lessons he could take well into his old age. Lessons including, but not limited to: Never join in when the only foreign kids in town decide steal flags from the neighbors yards, and, when rebuked for asking to be excused from the dinner table, don’t ask your father if he would rather you piss on your plate.

Our roast concluded, it was time for dinner, dancing, and revelry. Ok, there was no dancing, but there might have been had there been more wine. Alright there was plenty of wine, but Walter doesn’t dance. Actually he did dance later in the evening but I was already in bed and didn’t see it.

I think everyone had a really good time.


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